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I came to the conclusion last night...In the mids of crying my eyes outfor the very last time...I think for one of the very rare timesin my timing on this internet world...I?ll be incredibly honest with all reading right now.The dark (and quite frankley, the truththat I?ve hidden for such a long long time.)I?m a fraud. I just got asked to possibly do a campaignfor "Stop The Hurt" based on Women?s self-esteem issues. And at first... I was kindof thinking, "by me doing this... that wholeimage I built to all those girls is going tofinally be unconvered as a lie.?The whole god damned thing.Here is the truth. & nothing but the truth.Most of this was my introduction letterto the CEO of Stop The Hurt."I preach words of wisdom to thousandsof young girls around the world.I speak words of which my higher,I-need-to-be-a-rolemodel- statesets in. As much as I force myself tobelieve and think that its all true andas much as I try to convince the worldthat this is what I live by... Its not,"I write to Kristen (CEO of Stop The Hurt).The opinons... that I personally standby such as bisexuality, or racism- I actuallymean, that is all my true self. But the onething I try to preach to so many thousandsof people; especially with my own pastcampaign such as "I Have No Shame"Is, "Love Yourself; Be Yourself; You weremade special, appreciate every flawand every talent as well."The shamefull truth is that (if youra frequent reader of my writings, youknow this by now) I struggled most ofmy younger years with Anorexia.The girl that you idolize, cries herselfto sleep almost nightly because I havenot an ounce of self esteem. I hate all ofmy pictures, I hate looking in the mirror.I?ve NEVER felt pretty ?ENOUGH? or anyoneor anything. But above all else... its notwhat anyone else thinks. Its what you asa person think. Its personal and private.The sad truth is that no matter how manytimes John holds me and can look me in theeyes and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am...I?ll never believe it.I feel like such a fake because I think,"If I cant be strong on my own terms,I?ll be strong and wise for other people.To better someone else?s life."I put everybody before myself only becauseits that I really don?t have any love formyself. I totally respect myself but I can?tcome to love myself.I have such a bag of issues and to behonest i feel like a failure and frontto all of you. I just don?t find it fairthat I can?t find the beauty in myselfthat (supposidly) i recieve daily...But yet I preach to all of you thatits wrong to not love yourself andappreciate yourself?I just wanted to tell you guys the truth.And I will work on my issues accordingto time and etc. You know what I live bythough, "Nobody is perfect". I hopethis blog just furthers the point thatthere is nobody perfect out there no matterwhat they?re front or mask is.Perfection doesn?t exist.I would know first hand.I?m the original Perfection Disaster.I hope all of you kids out there learn tolove and appreciate yourselfs on your own terms.Without my words of wisdom, without my seriesof advice- without ANYBODYS for that matter...?I hope you set out in the worldand can be independent enough to teach yourselfto love you for who you are and what you are.I pray none of you will ever cry yourself to sleepor listen to a word anybody says to bring you down.Be strong, Be you, Be beautiful...I know that I?m working on it too.
-A.H
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 17 July 2008 )
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