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| With Celebrity Judge Oz missing, most likely disabled in a Johnny Walker Black induced slumber, two judges are left.Will they agree?Will there be a winner?Who will get to move on to be The Ultimate Ranter?Today on the Ultimate Fighter, the two teams have been chosen.Agent Bristow has chosen experienced ranters: Curtis, Shannon the Untamed Shrew and T and wildcard Casey.Team Phuqt was rocked when one of its members had to leave because of family problems.Now, Phuqt will have to keep new member Vertical Toast sober long enough to finish his rant.Will professional comedians Slade Ham and Katrina Brown and Hapkido black belt have to physically pull the bottle from his hands?Casey caused the first fight when he attempted to see if he could hang a refigerator magnet on Katrina Brown's head, and then the troubles continued when Phuqt sent his team a large rib dinner to offend his vegetarian sensibilities.Curtis continued trash talking Team Phuqt, and suggested that the Red team's color be pink ...again.Today, the first battle for rant supremacy will be fought between Curtis and Slade Ham.Your judges are celebrity bloggers Goze and Oz and some nobody named R.H. They'll deliver their verdict on Monday.The coach of the winning team will then call the next matchup to determine who will be The Ultimate Ranter.First up is long time contender, Curtis, representing Team Bristow.He likes flowers, quilts, and pretty ribbons, drenched in napalm.His idea of happiness is to crush his enemies, see them driven before them, and hear the lamentations of their women.CELEBREALITY:From the "Rock of Love", to "Pros vs. Joes", it doesn't get any more nauseating than the compost heap of gutter sludge that is known as Celebreality.A festering puss-filled boil of a time consuming, cramp inducing, look inside the lives of "has-beens", "almost-weres", and "who-the-fuck-is-thats".Whether it's Danny Bonaduce's life of little man syndrome, or a contest for the publicity of ghetto rats everywhere competing for Flavor-Flavs outdated, "never was really that cool", over-sized time piece.You'll never be at a loss for stomach phlegm while tuning in to see the latest and greatest of these delves into the worlds of celebrities.With that in mind, I bring you my picks for TOP 5 CELEBREALITY SHOWS OF ALL TIME!!!5.CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.With such super-mega stars as....... uhhhhh....... well Biz Markie for one, it's no wonder this show is in it's 5th season.This is a good look into the evil, dark side of Hollywood, to see what happens when you can't afford a personal trainer anymore.Isn't this just a rip-off of the Oprah Winfrey show?4.THE OSBOURNES.Who, in a billion years, would have guessed that OZZY FUCKING OSBOURNE would be the LEAST interesting member of his family?DYS-FUNK-SHI-NUL.I thik Ozzy should have bitten those two little demons heads off when they were embryos, now THAT would've been a show.3.SCOTT BAIO IS 45...AND SINGLE.SO WHAT?!?!?!2.FLAVOR OF LOVE.If this show was "reality" wouldn't all the contestants resemble this1.THE SURREAL LIFE.I blame this show for the whole movement.WHO WATCHES THIS SHIT???Who gives a rat's anus if Vanilla Ice picks on Gary Coleman in real life?WOW!!!What a world I live in..... |
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| What a world I live in.....I'D PICK ON GARY COLEMAN IN REAL LIFE.....It's a train wreck VH1.....You should be ashamed taking away the little dignity retained by these poor Hollywood cast-offs.But who am I to judge?Well, I guess the worst part about celebreality is that I can't stop watching.I wish someone would put me out of my misery, and take away my remote so I could do something more constructive with my time.....Like see how far my scrotum will stretch before causing me pain.Next up is Slade Ham of Team Phuqt.I just get the idea that he doesn't like anyone.There is a fascination with the youngest members of the female gender that I don't quite grasp.Don't get me wrong, I definitely see the attraction, and have fallen prey to it many times, but I am not obsessed like some people.My friend Don is one of those people.It's who he is. A sexual mosquito, determined to stick his dick in something anything every time he walks out of the house.And the more youth and ignorance the girl possesses, the more he wants it.See, Don will hit on anything.In the five or six years that I've known him I've had to watch his standards fall faster than a Texas A&M bonfire.He goes after the young, dumb co-ed type... the 18 year old "Whorey" Amos with the obligatory Asian tattoo on the small of the back that is supposed to say Love or Friendshipbut is most likely the Chinese symbol for Naive White Girl With No Taste, and the punch line to an inside joke for some coked up tattoo artist with an elementary sense of humor.Despite the fact that he will take a shot at virtually any girl, he has the game of a broken Playstation.It's pathetic, and simply a numbers game when it comes to how he manages to have any sex at all.Flirt with all of them, and maybe one of them won't hate you.Whatever works, I guess.When I left him at the bar last night, he was hitting on some brunette that had lost her voice.I guess he figured it would be hard for her to tell him "no" when she couldn't talk.So I meet Don for breakfast today expecting to have to listen to some "conquest story" . Turns out he couldn't even land the mute girl.He said he gets anxiety attacks when he drinks and just went to his hotel room right after I left.I don't know the medical reason for his "attacks", but if I'd ever woken up next to one of the little crying-for-attention bar sluts he's dated, I'd have anxiety attacks too.I'd be afraid my dick would fall off like an autumn leaf.It's not one or two bad choices with this guy, either.All of the girls Don talks to look like they just got shot with the Slut Gun. |
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| All of the girls Don talks to look like they just got shot with the Slut Gun.Let me see if I can run down the criteria real quick: mini-skirt, bellybutton ring, the above-mentioned tattoo, fake nails, rodeo clown makeup, and a tight shirt with some bullshit catchphrase on it like Tease, or What Boyfriend?or Prada Who?Oh yeah, and a boob job.Fake breasts have hit a ridiculous level.I imagine at some point a plastic surgeon has had to tell one of these girls that they just can't make them any bigger.And I can hear the girl..."What?You can't?Then just give me two more.Right below the first two.Can you put some on my back?He's paying for them anyway".Someone just told me a story the other day about a girl they knew that got $5000 from the four different guys she was seeing for breast implants.She got new tits and pocketed $15,000...And each guy thought he was the one that bought them.That's fucking brilliant, even if she is a whore.So maybe my buddy Don picks them just as they hit the legal age but what about the impatient ones?What about the ones that want to fuck girls while they're still green?How do you let something like what's gone on at the FLDS/Warren Jeffs compound occur?How does anyone say, with a straight face, that the government is imposing upon the religious beliefs of these kid-fucking zealots by taking the 400+ dick puppets they call children out of their custody?This place is a pedophile sanctuary, nothing more.No legitimate religion, no living off the grid this place is only, ONLY, in existence so grown men can fuck young girls.To believe anything different is sheer idiocy.The idea that these cocksuckers could hide behind this nation's freedom is ludicrous.Some people want to argue that the government has no business in the affairs of law abiding, religious people who just live different lifestyles.How in the Holy name of Osiris's taint can you possibly justify this?Here's a scenario for you. |
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| Here's a scenario for you.If I believed that the Great and Mighty Flying Kangaroo God told me the only way to get to heaven was to fist fuck orphan girls, would you let me? By fist fucking them, I could preserve their "virtue" in the eyes of the Great and Mighty Flying Kangaroo God, and ensure them an eternal place in Magic Super Nice Lollipop Land *translated from the original Japanese text*.Now, these orphan girls would have other advantages aside from merely being fist fucked to a richer, holier life.They would also be given a good, clean place to live with a home-schooled education, including daily eight hour readings from the book of The Flying Kangaroo Manifesto.The girls would also be forced to wear the uniform of a Waffle House waitress with no makeup, in accordance with the G&MFKG's 13th of 146 commandments on how to preserve a girl's chastity.After all, nothing says "stick your hand in my vagina" like Amish church clothes and beehive hair-do's.And then at the end of the day?More fist fucking!Of course, I belong to the New Reformed Great and Mighty Flying Kangaroo God sect (or shiia) and not the Next Day Adventist Great and Mighty Flying Kangaroo God Western sect (or sunni), who are much more fundamentalist.So the question is this:Would you let me? FUCK NO! People would call me crazy and line up to chop my balls off with a Popeye's spork.But you replace The Great and Mighty Flying Kangaroo God with a "christian" one and all of a sudden you see terms like "religious freedom obstructed" and "right to live free" spilled all over the editorial pages.These men run these compounds like private whorehouses, trading each others daughters like Pokemon cards for land and positions of hierarchy.This is why the male children are run off for the smallest infraction of "scriptural law".When they reach the age of wanting to get it on, many boys are often forced out.Why?Less competition from younger bucks.These compounds are about rape and nothing more and because of the influence of their "religion" these poor women (some as young as 15) don't even know it's happening to them.The men running them should be dragged through the streets by a pack of PCP fueled wolverines.Religious liberties don't start and stop with the parents.Little girls have religious freedom too, and that includes not being forced to marry and then fuck "Uncle Frank" because a golden salamander told Joseph Smith that's how you get into heaven.I guess all that kind of makes my friend Don look like one of the good guys.Your job as readers is to make your opinion known in the comments and try to influence the judges one way or another.Ranters, talk trash and support your teams.Judge 1 Goze: I just read both rants twice, you're probably wondering why I took so long to form an opinion?Seven words...Cinco De Mayo...shut up, it's two words when your body has more tequila in it than blood.Curtis, you made me laugh but I had a little problem understanding what it was that made your blood boill.Slade, I thought you were funny, every time I got close to losing interest, a joke or clever description put me back into the game.My suggestion for next time is to cut it down a bit.Ranting is like watching a porno, nobody watches the whole thing, if you're like me, your done before the second whore can say "hey whats going on in here?" |
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| Ranting is like watching a porno, nobody watches the whole thing, if you're like me, your done before the second whore can say "hey whats going on in here?"I vote for Slade.?If it were a fight, it would be 10-9, 9-10, 10-9.Judge 2 RH: I loved this round.for the rants, but even more for the trash talking.This was exactly what I was hoping for between the two teams.Keep the hate going, people.I don't want love.I don't want sportsmanship.I don't want class.Styles make fights, and styles made this round.Curtis, you went for speed, not unlike Bill Clinton with interns.You caught me by mentioning Biz Markie.There isn't much in life funnier than that dude's career.I don't care how much anti-Curtis sentiment got drawn up by Team Phuqt.This was funny stuff.I would have wanted to see you abandon the list and really attack the subject like I know you can.Slade, this damn thing was so long, and so many damn twists in it that I thought it was one of my blogs.Problem is that my blogs suck.Good thing is that yours didn't.You really can turn a phrase, my friend.You hit a serious subject, which I've never seen in a rant tournament, and you pulled it off.If I could tell you one thing that would have made this work was more laser focus on your main topic.It's a rant, not a blog.Ranting's a really complicated process, and it was funny seeing two completely different strategies, short and comical versus long and headier.Slade, you just showed me that you hated the subject matter more.I have to go with you.Damn good first round. |
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| Damn good first round.Winning the first round is Slade Ham of Team Phuqt with a 2-0 decision.Team Phuqt, you now have control of the board.Phuqt, you get to determine the second round match. |
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